Amputees

You've probably heard it before--about how we have a word for a child who has lost their parents, a word for a husband who has lost his wife, and a word for a wife who has lost her husband. Yet no word exists for a parent whose child has died. People have tried to come up with a word, but nothing seems to be able to come close to the depth of awfulness that losing your child is. We've even spent some time in our parent group trying to "name" it in a way that gives the outside world a glimmer of understanding. Understanding of why we're not "over it" yet at one year, two years, three years, etc. beyond their death. Understanding of why we have bad, sad, or mad days, "still." Understanding of why we have trouble "moving on" in a way that's comfortable to others. We couldn't do it either. We just couldn't find THE word.

Today during a phone conversation with my husband, he said the most accurate word I've heard for "IT" yet. I don't even remember how we got on the subject, but he said, "It's like we had an amputation." That's it. That's really it. That's exactly what it's like--we are amputees. And rather than losing an arm, a leg, a hand, a foot--what we've lost is a piece of our soul. You see, our children are a part of us. They come from us, they are part of our very heart and soul. And when we lose them, we lose a part of ourselves. That's why we still suffer a year, two years, many years later--that part of us is still missing. That's why we're still sometimes sad, still sometimes angry.

Yes I know, I know someone will say it. Time heals. But it doesn't. Someone else will say, "GOD can heal." Yes, He can. I believe this with my whole being. But not in the way that you may think. I believe He can, but I also believe that in this life, He does not. At least not completely. We were made with two arms. If one is removed by accident or surgery, the wound can heal. But a new arm doesn't grow where the old one was. The person can heal to some extent, can live a productive life, but that arm will always be missing. It will never be as it was before. In the same way, when one loses a child, that person can go on living, can lead a productive life, but that child will always be missing. They will never be as they were before. We are made this way, programed to miss what's missing.

So the goal for us, much the same as for amputees, must be to find a way. To learn to live with our loss, rather than having the goal of recovering from it. We must find ways to adapt, to change what we must, to go on with living, to go about our daily lives. Because the piece that we're missing, part of our heart and our soul, won't grow back, just like an arm or a leg won't grow back. The world goes on, others' lives move on, but the piece that was carved from our souls the day our children died is gone for the remainder of this life. This is a painstakingly slow and difficult process. So if it seems like we should be "moving on," "getting over it," or "doing better," remember that we are amputees...



...We're missing pieces of our souls...