The Weight of Two Years

For some reason, I thought as this week approached I'd have a lot to say. I thought it would just be pouring out of me...the memories, the emotions surrounding the anniversary of Braeden's homegoing. But the words aren't there. There's a jumble of stuff in there, churning inside my head. It's just not coming out like I anticipated. Instead, there's been an emptiness. And a sense of disbelief. Two years feels like a great chasm, a huge well of longing. And so many other things I just can't seem to find the words for. It's so hard to grasp that two years have gone since our little man took those final steps. In many ways, two years seems like an eternity already--so much time since I've seen his face, touched his fuzzy head, hugged and kissed him, smelled him, heard his little voice..... and yet if I close my eyes, it's only yesterday. Yesterday.

Two years ago today we gathered to celebrate our baby's short, yet amazing, life. Today I am struggling more than I did on the actual anniversary of his death. Perhaps it's the finality of it all... after today, there was suddenly not only a place where he "wasn't" anymore...but also a small disturbed patch of grass with a small metal marker that took that place.

Four years ago when Braeden first became ill a strange weight pressed over my heart. From the moment we knew something was truly wrong with him through the present, I have not felt able to take a deep breath. The burden of this weight increased as Braeden's condition declined and settled into a constant heavy heartache as he took those last steps into eternity. Today the distance, the yearning, the memories and the sadness make that weight seem a bit heavier, a bit harder to breath around.

The more I try to explain the feelings of reaching this mark in time, the more I realize I cannot. Many people think that after a certain point it just becomes "ok" or somehow better or easier. Thus far, it has not. The feelings have changed some, yes. But they're far from "ok." Perhaps because time adds distance-- as it passes, it means that Braeden as farther away from us. It some ways that makes it worse. The amount of time I have already spent carrying this weight....and considering the amount of time I may yet have to carry it. I don't remember who it was that wrote about our grief being proportionate to our love but it's so very true. The weight is heavy and we grieve much because we love much. And in a way that's good, because what would it say about me if I did "get over it" one day? Instead, I carry this weight because I loved Braeden deeply and continue to no matter what span of time separates us. And I'll carry the weight of that until the day when that stone, too, is rolled away...

Braeden's video: celebrating his three years, eleven months, one day, two hours and twenty-seven minutes....

http://youtu.be/Fxx0N6I-UxM

My chains are gone...