I don't even know what to call this.....

          So I've mentioned that song "Ronan" before, and I think most people have heard it. There sure are a lot of people talking about it. I can't get through it without crying, but that's okay, sometimes a cry is a good idea.  Today, though, I heard it faintly in the background, watching a video clip of Ronan's parents on the Katie Couric show talking about their son, his life, and that song.  Today, it made me cry, as usual, but for more reasons than the obvious. Today I had some really rather disturbing thoughts.
     From the first time I heard the song, the line "You were my best four years..." caught my heart.  It still does, and  in almost knee-jerk fashion, my heart says, "Yeah, me too. Braeden's four years were my best four years, too."  And yet today, home playing with Owen on a normal, every day kind of Friday, I had a sudden, sad realization.  My "best four years" didn't have much Owen in them.    Sigh...
     Owen was eight months old when Braeden died. Eight months. That's how much time I had as a mom with four kids here.  Owen has no memory of Braeden.  Although he's seen lots of pictures, knows his brother on sight, knows of him in words and ideas, he has no memories of his brother that come from his own experience rather than what we've told or showed him.  So is that it, then? That was the best? And what is now?
     How can I, a mom, say that the best four years of my life was a four year span that was largely without one of my babies? And how sad is that? Sad for me, sad for Owen.  I don't want him to grow up in a shadow of a brother he never knew.  I don't want him to grow up with the idea that mom considers that chunk of time the "best" and all the rest, the life than includes him, is just "runner up."  Today at that moment I was heart wrenchingly aware that this is just another one of those things that I never had to think about "b.c." (before cancer),  another thing that frankly sucks about the "after cancer," another thing to work through and live with the best I can. 
     So how do I reconcile this? Because it's there.....there is truth to the notion that if I had to pick a specific four year section of time that fits the criteria of "best," well that's it. But there's no way I'd even consider labeling  it as such if Braeden was still here.  To the contrary, I'd probably be complaining about something-likely our kids. Or more likely, not even writing this blog. Because that's normal. This isn't.  But suddenly once again I'm confronted with the this thing that feels like a gulf I have to bridge somehow.
     The answer to the question is, I don't know....at least not yet.  Time and life are fluid. With Braeden, there is a finite period and that cold hard fact colors the way we look at things. And certainly, things changed drastically and permanently on the day he died.  The awful thing is, I never would have even wondered, if not for....